Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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