I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
