I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
