Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
