Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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