ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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