I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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