What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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