She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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