forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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