Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
