When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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