You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
