I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
