allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
