Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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