you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
