My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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