I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I could make wine with my vomit
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
