sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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