Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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