I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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