i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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