I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
