My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
