Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
