Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
