I'm sorry my penis didn't work
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
