Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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