how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
