I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
