if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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