he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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