I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
