can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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