Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
