you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
