cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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