i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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