So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
