I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
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i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
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We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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