OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
