someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
