my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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