I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
