Having a random hookup so left but love u
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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