just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
