I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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