My liver just broke up with me...
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
