I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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