i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
