420 ftw
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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