Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
