i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
