just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
this just has baby written all over it
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
