my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
