how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
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