Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.