I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize